25 Things I learnt during my first year at University

1. Do not mix vodka and own-brand squash. Squadka is not an acceptable cocktail.

2. People will definitely realise if you go to your 9am seminar in the same clothes and makeup as the night before.

3. Do not send twenty quid to a stranger of Facebook claiming to be selling a HighRise ticket. You WILL be scammed, and end up in bed watching Louis Theroux documentaries that night instead.

4. If something in your flat breaks, be bothered to report it. I haven’t had a toilet seat all year. Mmmm, toilet seats.


5. Do not panic-buy Octopus from the fish counter in Morrisons. You cannot afford it.

6. If you go visit a mate at their Uni, don’t eat so much avocado at predrinks that you throw up green vomit in their sink. (The smell of middle-class lightweightedness is tangible).

7. Derrida works in every essay. Every. Essay.

8. Don’t get too attached to the dogs in the Union’s doggy de-stress room. My bond with Rhonda, the retired golden retriever, will never be recreated with anyone else in quite the same way.

We’ll meet again, someday

9. Everyone you meet at Uni is either Mark, Jez or Super Hans.

10. Do not leave your favourite leopard print coat lying around in Wire, because you will lose it and find it 30 minutes later on a girl in huaraches from Newcastle, claiming she found it on the floor and telling you to “wind ye neck in.”

11. Keep a friendly distance with your uber driver, or he’ll pull over and show you screenshots of his son’s GCSE results certificate. I was only being friendly! I don’t care that Sadiq was 3 UMS off an A* in Spanish!

12. Don’t be surprised that, when you tell people outside of North London that you’re Greek, the default response will somehow involve halloumi or their mental lads holiday in Kavos.

13. Fear the megabus.

14. When you come out of a lecture on Beckett, remember that it will still be sunny and you are not actually in a post-apocalyptic world.

15. The Oriental supermarket in Leeds city centre that sells 29p super noodles is simultaneously your best friend and worst enemy.

16. Eating a Pukka Pie, drunk, at 4am, whilst singing “WHERE WERE YOU WHILST WE WERE GETTING PIE” in a mancunian accent does not make you a comedian like I originally thought at the time.

17. The ground lamb, pine-nut and pomegranate syrup pizza at Belgrave is all I need to be happy.

18. “But I’m A Cheerleader” is definitely the worst film in the world.

19. Proof read your essays, otherwise you’ll send essays to your tutor on Shakespeare’s characterisation of “Sir Toby Bitch.”

20. Buskers in Leeds are really crap. I endured a seven hour shift with someone playing Sweet Child of Mine on the violin outside the shop, about sixty times.

21. Make sure your earphones are properly plugged in before you start playing Smack My Bitch Up on full volume in Laidlaw Library.

22. University will lead you do weird things, like attend meditation classes, led by a middle aged man named John, who has a twitchy eye and likes to practice “mindful hugging.”

23. Uni makes you think about the real questions of life. Examples: texting friends at 2am asking how the egg gets inside the scotch egg.

24. Flames will always have your back.

The sweet, sweet taste of diabetes

25. That it is very, very unlikely that I will become a functioning adult any time soon.



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